Low, that's what i'm feeling for the past few weeks.

A sucky feeling, other people's lives seems more fulfilling than mine. argh, what am I doing?

This is so not ME.

I just wish for perfection, but things never go my way. 

I need to cheer up; buck up, do something about my LIFE

Going back bought back lotsa memories. And surprisingly, they are all fond despite e seemingly resources lacking school.

All e fun times with them, it's them that had made up for the obvious lack and constant disappointment tat I had in e school. After these years, I'm still very thankful for having them in my uni life.

The bus-taking, canteen, toilets, benches, lifts n even e smell of 2 n a half yrs are all so familiar though faraway in the past. Ahh! Shld have visited e discussion rooms! Haha.

I believe that cloudy will enjoy school as much as I had n excel here! Gambadae ne, cloudy-san! :)

Come to think of It, it's not the academics that we acquire in poly or uni, it's more of the experiences n exposure tat u gained tat will create e impact in one's life

Bury these emotions, i cross my heart
Move on, i cross my heart
Hope is useless, i know

There's no point, no blossoming, yes, i know, the cross will be there to stay.

staying at home these two days deepen my loneliness. nobody nagging me, walking around, worrying about the TV volume and etc.

had still been imagining that they will walk out from their room, him with his cane, her being carried by auntie. these images just popped up whenever i turned.

i miss you two. still.

We as humans are actually quite apt at adapting to changes. it's all about a new/improved environment where we hypnotise ourselves that these changes are for a better reason or we just know that things can never go back to before.

Now should be the time for me to grow up, do this thing tt i shld have taken a more active step long ago. Scary how loneliness can make you do things that iyou will never imagine.

APRIL 2009

A month of losses, separation. i/we had to say three major goodbyes. From a crowded household of 8, we are reduced to 5. i no longer have to buy food to feed an army. i can feel that i am losing it, the pain is endless and e gaping hole in my heart will never be filled.

i love my grandmother and grandfather very lots much. i had never realised it till now. i was too engrossed, too involved in my friends when i was schooling, and too workaholic when i started work. how could i ever not known how to appreciate them better when they are still with us? i was seldom home and this will be my regret from the rest of my life.

i had to document my very last memories of them down here and my current emotions now as i have this ability to bury my sorrow and slowly erasing this unwanted sad memory.

April 3rd - my grandmother left us in her sleep in the early wees of the morning silently

it was sudden, very shocking for my family. we knew that she will leave us someday as she had been sick for around 9 years. she left us with no pain. i'm glad that she will never need to eat all those pills, be bedridden nor being unable to communicate with us. how i wish that i had been there in her last moments, telling her things, what we had been up to in all these years and that she dont need to worry about us.

At the point when i was awaken at 7am from my mum's and auntie binti's cries, it was beyond belief. it seems like a bad dream. i could only cry, all of us could just cry beside her. i kiss her cold face goodbye. thereafter, i went to my grandfather, who was sitting in his wheelchair, head facing down in the living room alone. i hugged and sobbed into him, telling him that his wife had left us. my grandfather, HE, was so so strong, he consoled me, just telling me that it's ok... i can only continue weeping and telling him that we are still here for him..

the funeral ended after three days, i promised my gm that i'll be there for my grandfather always. he was grieving, sobbing like a child from time to time. he asked me weird questions about my grandmother and that his life is shorthening as well. he was warded the night before the wake, he never came to see my grandmother in the casket..he just couldnt.

Grief stayed throughout, however, i know that i still have my grandfather. i went home straight after work, stayed home on weekends so that i could be at least home. This increases my interactions with him, increases the leg massages, water bottle filling, flipping him in bed. but he was asleep most of the time and his face were getting more frail each day.

A week after my gm passed on, my gf was acting weird, putting four layers of blanket. and he keep saying goodbye amidst an impending thunderstorm, with me and my bro, my aunt crying beside him. i keep massaging his heart, hugging him and at a certain point, i just laid on him, begging him not to leave me. He just suddenly spoke, saying that yes yes, he wont leave. miraclously, he suddenly recovered. i was so relieved yet guilty and worried at the same time. i thought to myself that he might be better off without all the physical and emotional pain. After this episode, i will keep popping into his room to check on him from time to time, making sure he is comfortable. though it was stil our dearest binti who was doing most of the job.

April 21st - my grandfather left us at approx 4am in the hospital

i wasnt there, none of us were there for his last moment. The last time i saw him were on sunday morning when he asked me to call my aunt as he wants to say goodbye. i was half worried only cos he had been saying that for quite a while. i stroked his face and heart that he shouldnt say that and that things will be ok. i wiped his eyes, said goodbye as i am going for my jap test. i told him i will be back soon. he said goodbye to me, waving his hand limply with a tight smile on his face. That was my last memory of my beloved grandfather.

i never visited my grandfather when he was admitted into his last hospital stay on sunday evening. i hate myself for not visiting and had replayed the possible scenario if i had been there. i want to be there to tell him that everything is ok and we will take care of ourselves and that he can now join my grandmother..and to thank him for being my best grandfather. He was such a good man, a good family man, husband to everyone of us and he really loved my grandmother very much.

i hope that they are now at peace, and together living happily. though i'm still greiving, please please ignore my tears. i just couldnt stand the fact that both of you are no longer here. i'm sorry that i couldnt had done more when you were alive, i'm sorry for all the quarrels and tantrums that i had thrown.

auntie binti had also went to work at golden tooth uncle's. i guess gong gong will be relieved to know that as he will know that she is in good hands. i will like to thank all the aunties who had taken care of my gong gong and po po.. thank you!

gong gong, po po, good bye and i will never forget you, both of you will always be in my heart and i promise that i will still keep everyone together as a family. I LOVE YOU.

To myself when i read this again: never ever repeat the mistake of not realising the most important persons in your life. Once lost, you will never be able to retrieve it again