THANK YOU, Dr Goh Keng Swee.

I regret not knowing you, your contributions to our nation, my HOME before your demise.

I teared reading the tribute to you on last saturday morning, out of sadness, admiration and boundless thankfulness. Thinking to myself, what a great man you were, your foresight, intelligence and determination were what had built our home. You retired before I was born, the years that you put in your ALL were problematic and difficult, I know, though I wasn't there. I can imagine the efforts you had put in wholeheartedly, it wasnt easy, you must had sacrificed certain parts of your life. Thank you.

The younger generation, my brothers and cousins in their teens may not understand how important you were, but i DO and i'm sure many out there as well and our younger generation will come to realise as they matures, reading more about you.

I hope that you will be included in the history books for our future generations to get to know you, and your massive contributions, making them understand how Singapore, our home, will not be what it's like without YOU. AND, of course to encourage their belonging to Singapore, just like your LOVE for the nation and the people, US.

Thank you, Dr Goh, ~ rest in peace ~

My heart ia aching. The good thing is, and the best way to treat my wound, to give up on her.
why should i bother, care about her? Guess i'm just too used to this responsibility.

i kind of know how my mum feels right now. Sorry mum.

SHe will only THINK of me when she needs help. What had she done right? Seldom, other than being the smartest. Wrong? countless times. And the best part is, she will somehow be able to turn the situation around, protraying herself as the victim, oh my, and stupid me will just forgive her over and over again.

ELDEST SISTERS ARE ALL DUMBOS.

Anyway, I wish her well, as i am so sure that i will not be crossing the same paths as her.

pfft.

I pray for my dear friend, ah fu's happiness, good health and blissful love always.

Low, that's what i'm feeling for the past few weeks.

A sucky feeling, other people's lives seems more fulfilling than mine. argh, what am I doing?

This is so not ME.

I just wish for perfection, but things never go my way. 

I need to cheer up; buck up, do something about my LIFE

Going back bought back lotsa memories. And surprisingly, they are all fond despite e seemingly resources lacking school.

All e fun times with them, it's them that had made up for the obvious lack and constant disappointment tat I had in e school. After these years, I'm still very thankful for having them in my uni life.

The bus-taking, canteen, toilets, benches, lifts n even e smell of 2 n a half yrs are all so familiar though faraway in the past. Ahh! Shld have visited e discussion rooms! Haha.

I believe that cloudy will enjoy school as much as I had n excel here! Gambadae ne, cloudy-san! :)

Come to think of It, it's not the academics that we acquire in poly or uni, it's more of the experiences n exposure tat u gained tat will create e impact in one's life

Bury these emotions, i cross my heart
Move on, i cross my heart
Hope is useless, i know

There's no point, no blossoming, yes, i know, the cross will be there to stay.

staying at home these two days deepen my loneliness. nobody nagging me, walking around, worrying about the TV volume and etc.

had still been imagining that they will walk out from their room, him with his cane, her being carried by auntie. these images just popped up whenever i turned.

i miss you two. still.

We as humans are actually quite apt at adapting to changes. it's all about a new/improved environment where we hypnotise ourselves that these changes are for a better reason or we just know that things can never go back to before.

Now should be the time for me to grow up, do this thing tt i shld have taken a more active step long ago. Scary how loneliness can make you do things that iyou will never imagine.

APRIL 2009

A month of losses, separation. i/we had to say three major goodbyes. From a crowded household of 8, we are reduced to 5. i no longer have to buy food to feed an army. i can feel that i am losing it, the pain is endless and e gaping hole in my heart will never be filled.

i love my grandmother and grandfather very lots much. i had never realised it till now. i was too engrossed, too involved in my friends when i was schooling, and too workaholic when i started work. how could i ever not known how to appreciate them better when they are still with us? i was seldom home and this will be my regret from the rest of my life.

i had to document my very last memories of them down here and my current emotions now as i have this ability to bury my sorrow and slowly erasing this unwanted sad memory.

April 3rd - my grandmother left us in her sleep in the early wees of the morning silently

it was sudden, very shocking for my family. we knew that she will leave us someday as she had been sick for around 9 years. she left us with no pain. i'm glad that she will never need to eat all those pills, be bedridden nor being unable to communicate with us. how i wish that i had been there in her last moments, telling her things, what we had been up to in all these years and that she dont need to worry about us.

At the point when i was awaken at 7am from my mum's and auntie binti's cries, it was beyond belief. it seems like a bad dream. i could only cry, all of us could just cry beside her. i kiss her cold face goodbye. thereafter, i went to my grandfather, who was sitting in his wheelchair, head facing down in the living room alone. i hugged and sobbed into him, telling him that his wife had left us. my grandfather, HE, was so so strong, he consoled me, just telling me that it's ok... i can only continue weeping and telling him that we are still here for him..

the funeral ended after three days, i promised my gm that i'll be there for my grandfather always. he was grieving, sobbing like a child from time to time. he asked me weird questions about my grandmother and that his life is shorthening as well. he was warded the night before the wake, he never came to see my grandmother in the casket..he just couldnt.

Grief stayed throughout, however, i know that i still have my grandfather. i went home straight after work, stayed home on weekends so that i could be at least home. This increases my interactions with him, increases the leg massages, water bottle filling, flipping him in bed. but he was asleep most of the time and his face were getting more frail each day.

A week after my gm passed on, my gf was acting weird, putting four layers of blanket. and he keep saying goodbye amidst an impending thunderstorm, with me and my bro, my aunt crying beside him. i keep massaging his heart, hugging him and at a certain point, i just laid on him, begging him not to leave me. He just suddenly spoke, saying that yes yes, he wont leave. miraclously, he suddenly recovered. i was so relieved yet guilty and worried at the same time. i thought to myself that he might be better off without all the physical and emotional pain. After this episode, i will keep popping into his room to check on him from time to time, making sure he is comfortable. though it was stil our dearest binti who was doing most of the job.

April 21st - my grandfather left us at approx 4am in the hospital

i wasnt there, none of us were there for his last moment. The last time i saw him were on sunday morning when he asked me to call my aunt as he wants to say goodbye. i was half worried only cos he had been saying that for quite a while. i stroked his face and heart that he shouldnt say that and that things will be ok. i wiped his eyes, said goodbye as i am going for my jap test. i told him i will be back soon. he said goodbye to me, waving his hand limply with a tight smile on his face. That was my last memory of my beloved grandfather.

i never visited my grandfather when he was admitted into his last hospital stay on sunday evening. i hate myself for not visiting and had replayed the possible scenario if i had been there. i want to be there to tell him that everything is ok and we will take care of ourselves and that he can now join my grandmother..and to thank him for being my best grandfather. He was such a good man, a good family man, husband to everyone of us and he really loved my grandmother very much.

i hope that they are now at peace, and together living happily. though i'm still greiving, please please ignore my tears. i just couldnt stand the fact that both of you are no longer here. i'm sorry that i couldnt had done more when you were alive, i'm sorry for all the quarrels and tantrums that i had thrown.

auntie binti had also went to work at golden tooth uncle's. i guess gong gong will be relieved to know that as he will know that she is in good hands. i will like to thank all the aunties who had taken care of my gong gong and po po.. thank you!

gong gong, po po, good bye and i will never forget you, both of you will always be in my heart and i promise that i will still keep everyone together as a family. I LOVE YOU.

To myself when i read this again: never ever repeat the mistake of not realising the most important persons in your life. Once lost, you will never be able to retrieve it again

We are finally GRADUATES!

Congrats to Chin Adine, Fu Yanling, Huang Shuying, Say Meng Lee, Pauline and Poh Sze Hui!

Going back to school just reminds me so much about e 2 and a half years with them! All those times are just simply classic and unforgettable...

Let's keep the promise that we will not stop meeting up.. We must always find a reason to meet up and of course, always being there for each other, just like the way we were there for each other up till today.

Today signifies the closure of our uni life and quoting Ah say's dad, it's the start of the hard part of life, or putting in a nicer way, a new phase of our lives. Let's all move on beautifully...

Cheers once again! and cheers to our next phase of life :)

PS: Congrats to Dooooris, Grace and Sok Wan for their degree with distinctions!! :)

so glad. very relieved.

Though it's not the very best, i knew that i had tried my best.
I had been thinking how to do it better next year. If i'm given this awards dinner next year again, i'm sure gonna make it better, and different from all the past years.

Some major changes might happen in the company. it will affect my team greatly. I hope that it will not become a reality and we will still be together. I'm very grateful for the friendship and bond with my few teammates now. Without each other's support, we will not be able to get by all those terrible months.

The past two weeks before this awards had set me thinking if i'm cut out for this field.
Let me have a break and think this thru.

I need my friends now to get thru all these. i really appreciate my friends' existence.

Cheers :)

I guess time do really change people, our perceptions and feelings.
Those that i had thought will be eternity had been proven wrong recently.
Though this is saddening, I am accepting this and will move on.

Prob the other party will not feel likewise as there are other things that are of more importance. In any case, I appreciate the fact that eternity was thought as a possibilty.

Back from India, another heavily populated country. Different culture, lots of boo-boos and many unforgettable learning experiences.

Another big show coming up in April. Many OTs to come. I wish for less boo-boos onsite.

Juliet will be leaving for USA soon. Feel bad that i hadn't been able to meet her for the past few months. This coming meet up is a must for our last chance to catch up. Another dear fren going somewhere far off to pursue her dreams..

New Year with loads of blessings!

Happy new year to all! May e rat year bring you lots for you to root bout!
Chinese new year this yr had kinda lose the gong xi gong xi feel. I dunno if it's just me or its the whole atmosphere. Greetings were just limited to a mere 'Happy new year' and activities are just the usual '21 dian' and eating.
And as usual, the supposingly long chi new yr break is ending abruptly today. It's back to the real life of work work and more work. So depressing hor! haha. But i'm all geared up.

I had a terrible dream yest. Pretty silly and i think i had such dreams a couple of times before. It's.... bout me being late for work. and it's not just a couple of hrs. I was late for the whole day and i only managed to call my boss few mins before the end of the day. Argh, what a dream.. i was really worried that i will lose my job.
Thus, I had decided to set my chi new year resolutions.

1) Be on time for work, gatherings and whatever occasions
2) Attain driving license
3) Save up!! No more owing of $$
4) Spend more time with family and friends. I can't let my work affect my personal life. gotta show my 'neighbour' that it is possible.
5) and many more.. It's time to plan wisely for my future, both personal and work wise!

:D Gong Xi Gong Xi everyone!!

On my 1st day of 'freedom', I had to visit a dentist who talk to me in some medical language that I'm completely clueless bout. Only thing i know, i had to pop pills for the next 2 days and go for the surgery on fri nite. My 'stupid' wisdom tooth had been causing me pain for the past two days, both in my mouth and wallet. Freaking expensive!!! Yest's dentist quoted me $500 - $800 for my tooth. Today's dentist quoted me $300 - $600. Luckily, i din do it yest as the today's dentist said that it's better to do it when my swelling had subsided. Hai, the dentist yest was just out to earn my money man. anyway, before i had any surgery, i already spent 150 bucks on X-ray, painkillers and such. I'm officially very broke. With money already spent for office christmas gifts and impending christmas gifts for frenz and family, I really dunno how to survive thru the last days of 2007. and I do really wan to go on the short trip wif HC and gals:(

I really hate my tooth!

For Ah fu.. he's as usual, at his best! :D

I'm off to my hometown and will be back on fri.
May all be well and I can survive this.
Aja aja!! :D

Challenges - I will learn to face them. Be it if i fail or get thru it, I'm bound to learn something from it. I'm definitely looking forward to all these. In a way, this is what I had dreamt of. Though this causes some visible stress on my face, these are just minor sacrifices man. haha.
I'm so gonna make it! haha. I'm gonna fight all the mean ppl and win the war with the kind ppl. Well.. This is reality.

WOOOSH..AH! That's it. It's the start of my next 30 years in the wooorking world! Aja aja...:)

Can you think of and describe a situation where you’ve been creative/innovative and come up with ideas that are a bit out of the ordinary?

?????

I can't seems to fall asleep. so weird. How can? i should be super relaxed after the final exam yest. Unexpectedly, there wasnt any hurray aft the last exam though its the end of our studies as it's actually the start to another stage. I'm currently in a denial stage, i don't want to face the prospect of startin work a week later. I'm so gonna miss out on so many things. Need to run all my errands and meet up wif peeps within this wk!

Know it sounds crazy but i really feel like continuing to study, doin projs and sit for exams. These are so much easier.

i'm totally very very unsatisfied with IBM's customer warranty service. argh!

First, i found unknown progs in my laptop aft i sent in for repair of the lcd screen. Then, they ask me to reformat my hard disc and it become so lagged till it need 2hrs for warming up. Crazy or wat. 2hrs???? do i look as if i got so much free time to wait for this machine which was supposed to be a high peformance machine. bullshit man. i trusted that this will be a good brand with good after-sales service. Then, they wanted to charge me for reformatting. Don't they get it? i already tried reformatting, following their advice but it doesnt work AT ALL. They spoiled my blackie and still dare to charge me. NEVER in a million years and guess what did the girl say? it's out of goodwill that we will not charge you after discussion with the management. goodwill my foot, its your mistake!

Guess i should had purchase other brands instead which are cheaper but with better service. Take for instance, Ah fu's HP.

Crapped man. and the switchboard woman was sooo rude. i got missed calls from that ibm number. How will i noe who called me? can't u just say in a nicer tone? what kind of receptionist are you??? receptive, my foot.

Totally pissed. They better cure my dearie blackie to its 'high-performing' status dis time round .