I should be happily typing my happy thoughts for my 21st bdae. But instead, i had never felt worse than ever. I dunno how to start but it's all caused by my still unchanged childlish, unreasonable, untactful temper, character even after hitting the big 21. I should have just controlled my temper, dun blurt out e nonsense and everything will end with a perfect ending. My birthday would had been perfect, i would be happy and they will be as well. However, becos of my short temper, all these had become a big IMPOSSIBILITY! Was reflecting on my way home, should i just call kuek to apologise? But does that turn things over or make things worse? And i reasoned that there's no point in doing that as i had already spoiled everything. Nothing, NOTHING can remove the hurt i instilled in kuek, HC and ying, after the lots and lots of effort they put into for my bdae and also, their presence throughout my life all these years.

Truly disappointed..from HC..yes i noe. This pricked deep into my heart. But i guess, its not as deep for them, especially ah kuek.

Come to think of it, I seems to be always hurting ah kuek. On e few occasions that i had flared, it seems to be always targeted towards her. I know it's wrong but being so close to her, i always have no reserves and qualms abt speaking out real crudely with her. Why must i always hurt the one closest to me?

I do not want to give any excuses for myself. I know I sld had understand the facts first but i was just too hasty. However, i really dunno what was going on. Before e movie, they had been pushing my name ard for the xmas present exchange. I know its a joke as i'm always picky. Thus, the person tt need 2 buy my present will have a major headache. I dunno who is it but i presume it was kuek who need to buy for me. And conincidentally, I was to buy for her. Once i picked her name, I was ecstatic that i can buy for her aft everything she and her family had done for me! and especially for it was for HER! & was contemplating what to buy for her as she gt almost everything and the little time left to buy. However, even knowin that it was just our usual joke (not wanting to be e one to buy my present), i still feel kinda sad as i was so eager to get e xmas gift for her and for the others as well. But i din say anythin and just luff it off. I should have just done the same thing when they mentioned again aft e movie. Too bad, the spoiler me just couldnt keep my damn mouth close and the damage was done with me saying, ' i know u dun wan to buy for me and ....' i forgot what else i say but i know i had been unreasonable.

I'm laughing at myself now. They sure won have any probs buying anything for me as they already bought 21 for me. What more can I ask for friends like them, organising surprises, buying e 21 presents, going to the zoo? They had truly wasted their time, effort and energy on someone as lousy as me.

To be honest, i am really picky bout stuff. i got great specifications bout things i like. It's not the price or brand. I dun go for that. It's just that i just need to have a good feeling bout that something. The thing is, nobody know, that even if the thing doesnt suit me, i never ever throw them away, i treasure them as it represents each and every fren and occasion. Even if i dun use it, it doesnt mean that i hate it, or maybe yes, i dun like it but the thought and person behind it make all the difference. I just need to improve on my initial response. My initial response maybe disappointing but i'll be truly thankful for having the present but it will had been too late as the giver would had been hurt by me.

Anyway, going back, i being so straightforward and them who understand me so well, will know from my obvious expression if i like or dislike somethin. So ..after all the years of presents exchanging, they had understand my pickiness and thus, the JOKE. I don't mind being the butt of jokes as it's really my own fault for being so picky and truthful in my expressions. But i just cant help showing my real emotions but i definitely had been trying to master the art of showing one perfect expression. Nevertheless, they still can see thru me at times as i cant help showing my true emotions in front of these best buddies.

Whether or not anybody believes, I had felt real bad immediately after shooting off.

I had remorsed and i apologise for what i had said. I hope tt i can have the chance to make it up but think the chances are nearing zero as they might not even want to see my stupid face or hear my dumb voice again. Writing this is not in the aim of hoping for your forgiveness but it's to serve as a constant reminder.

Happy days are gone after the destruction.

Hope that everyone will have a great xmas and have one less lousy friend like me.